Grateful Sunday

Research on gratitude and how wonderful it is for our minds and bodies is overwhelming. However, right now I am struggling to be grateful for a lot of things in my life. I am mostly a complainer lately about where my life is and where my own choices have led me. So, for this moment, today. I'm going to write what I'm thankful for.

I am thankful for my functioning body. Just this morning I thought about all the times my body hasn't been working properly and how much I take it for granted. Today, I am thankful for all the ways my body is working for me even when I spend so much time obsessing over my hatred for it. Thank you, body.

I am thankful for a relationship that withstands distance. I have been struggling with the physical distance between Brandon and me and our time apart. I have struggled with not having my life begin with him when I wanted to. In saying that, I am thankful for a relationship that can handle this distance. I am thankful that these distances always seem to allow us to appreciate and love one another even more.

I am thankful for financial security. Life is so much less stressful when your needs and many wants are taken care of. Brandon is a large part of the reason my life is financially secure and I am grateful for his hard work as well.

I am thankful for my education. It may not have been the education that I wanted or even one that I am super proud of but this degree will open the door to my passion and my dreams while allowing me to not be in horrible debt. I am so grateful for that.

I am thankful for my family. They have taken me in and taken care of me in these difficult months.

I am thankful for Luna. Her love and presence in my life are exactly what I need most days. Snuggling up with her and inviting her into my solace is powerful and lovely.

Obviously, I am grateful for so much more than these six things but for today, this will be enough.

Student Teaching

I am now coming to the end of my Student Teaching experiences. I have my last two observations this week and next and then I completely hand back the classroom. I have had a tumultuous experience in the past two months. There have been days that have completely rocked me. Days that made me question my desire to be a teacher. Days that I have cried on the long drive home because I wasn't the teacher I wanted to be that day and they weren't the students in my ideal teacher fantasy.

The classroom I'm in for this introduction to teaching is difficult. Sweet, amazing kids who have difficult home lives, academic struggles, and a blend of personalities that just seem to cause constant conflict. I have that class for this experience. The one that makes other teachers pity you. The one that makes my host teacher think about leaving the classroom for a reading position because she's at the end of her rope as well.

I wondered when I was told what a difficult class it was, why they would do that to a student teacher who is starting out. This class has the possibility of breaking a green teacher. They are a struggle most days.

However, I can say now that I'm thankful that I have the hard class for this experience. I can say with confidence that I can handle it. That I can love them even on their worst days. That I will drive home and cry because I want to do better by them. I know that my heart is tender and my strength is in building relationships with kids. My strength is caring about their hearts and their academics. Do I always balance that well when I'm trying to get through a lesson and the same child that has asked me to go to the nurse every single day interrupts me? No. No, I do not. But I keep waking up and trying again.

Their stories break my heart. I have cried for them. I have cried thinking about not getting to be their teacher anymore. I have cried knowing that I will have to say goodbye to these difficult and amazing little individuals.

I have worked my butt off writing lessons and preparing materials. I have never felt as prepared as I feel like I should and sometimes it feels like I'm just winging it the best that I can even when I've prepared. It's still new for me and I am learning.

I have made mistakes. I have raised my voice when I never wanted to. I have called kids out in the classroom when I never wanted to. I have done all the things on my list of "bad teacher" behavior. I have been humbled and broken. I have struggled with not being the teacher I wanted to be.

And I've created grace for myself. Working in someone else's classroom isn't easy. Always feeling like you don't know where things are or the systems in place or just feeling in the way isn't easy at all. Teaching the way someone else teaches isn't easy. I feel fairly confident that things will fall into place for me in my own classroom set up. It won't be perfect. I will still be humbled and broken. I will still need to allow grace for myself. But it will be easier.

I also know living at home with family expectations and missing my husband and my home comforts have not made this an easier experience. I am craving the simplicity of life with just Brandon and me again. It's a nice life that we have made up together and I miss it deeply.

This teaching thing is no joke. It isn't easy. However, I didn't go into teaching for easy, for money, or for boring days. I went into teaching because I love kids. I love learning. I love the creative messiness that is a classroom. That two days are never quite alike. I love the community. The smiles. The goofiness. The hugs.

My passion for teaching astonishes me sometimes. My love and passion for these kids astounds me. I can't stop talking about them (without names of course). I could talk everyone's ear off about these kids. Their struggles. Their triumphs. Their misbehaviors. The funny things they say. Their kindness.

As I come to the end of this experience, I am awed at what I have learned. I am humbled at how much I still have to learn. I am heartbroken at having to say goodbye to them. I am joyful in thinking about all the moments of laughter and love that have come into my life.

All because I became a teacher.

Portland, OR

Living on the West side of the states for the first time in my life leaves me with the desire to drive, explore, and experience the Pacific Northwest. If only we had a little bit more time here. There is so much to see and despite how much I'm struggling with the political climate of America, it is a beautiful, diverse country. Landscapes, people, cities. It is full of beauty and difference. 

I knew I had to see Portland, Oregan. Home of one of my favorite writers/speakers, Cheryl Strayed. Known for its weirdness, quirks, and hipster vibe, I was excited to drive the eight hours to explore a new city.

I expected Oregan to be absolutely gorgeous but it wasn't until right outside Portland. At least coming from Idaho. It was the same brown, boring landscape I've gotten used to here in Southern Idaho.

Our trip to Portland was a lovely escape from the monotony of everyday life. We explored downtown, got drunk and danced the night away at a 90s bar, ate doughnuts at midnight at Voodoo Doughnuts,  and we traversed the eccentric Saturday Market with a trendy Stumptown coffee in hand before walking the many blocks to Powell's City of Books. 

I was simultaneously overwhelmed and awed by the biggest independent used and new bookstore in the world. We had to go back a second time before I could decide on a mug and a book to buy as a souvenir of our time. We ate food cart Indian, Greek, and Mexican. Although I was expecting amazing food from this foodie city, I can't say we were impressed by much. We ended our second evening in Portland at Salt and Straw where I got a bone marrow and smoked cherry scoop and a sea salt scoop on a fresh waffle cone. It was delectable.  

Our last day in Portland was reserved for nature, hiking, and outdoors. We stopped at Multnomah Falls which is very easily accessible from the highway before moving on to a seven-mile hike to Ramona Falls (which is a part of the PCT!). 

Reconnecting with a long weekend away to a new city is one of my favorite things to do and I hope Brandon and I continue taking the time to enjoy new places and one another. 

Oh, and keep Portland weird. 

Salt Lake City, UT

2018 was the year of road trips to explore different places in the states. Although we had stopped in Salt Lake City on our way to this duty station, we only spent the night and didn't do much exploring. So when Brandon had to be there for work and I had to be fingerprinted nearby, we took the opportunity to spend the weekend enjoying a bit of Salt Lake's magic. We visited the International Garden where we got to experience the magic of Japanese gardens again, announced our move to England to the Instagram world, and posed Luna with a mini Stonehenge. We ate delicious Korean Barbeque, Japanese sushi and ramen, and the best food truck burrito we've ever had. We will definitely hit that one up every single time we're in SLC. We spent the day wandering through the maze that is Ikea and the Natural History Museum of Utah which was a lot more impressive than I thought it would be. 

Before I left that Sunday, we decided we would take a hike to a waterfall. I'm not the most outdoorsy person nor in the best shape at the moment and wasn't prepared for a treacherous uphill hike that made me dusty, dirty, and grumpy. Until we finally got to the top and my soul felt calm and joyous at the sight of the waterfall and the cool shallow pool at its feet that made me feel alive again. Until we had to go back down. I understand so fully now why Cheryl Strayed calls hiking retroactive fun (or something like that. She mentioned it in Dear Sugars once) because you can't really enjoy the experience until you're past the grunt of it. That has to be one of the most truthful things I've ever heard. So a new pact was made with my husband, no more crazy hikes unless there is a waterfall at the end. It's just not worth it. 

So I'll end this with a quote from that amazing woman, Cheryl Strayed, "The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of love."

That's the plan, Cheryl. 

Colorado & New Mexico

This Summer I drove eleven hours down to Southern Colorado to meet my family for a vacation. We visited and explored parts of Colorado and New Mexico. I didn't take as many pictures as I should have but we enjoyed historical landmarks, museums, shopping, and food while my little brother complained about not being home. I feel ya, kid. Home is the best. So here is a blog in pictures. As meager as they may be.

News

Being a military wife was not how I saw my life unfolding. I never had any affiliation with the military growing up and it never even crossed my mind that this would be my life. I got married young because he joined the military. Much more young that I would have liked but I made a choice. 

And then his first station was overseas. Okinawa. And I was the girl who lived in the same small town her entire life and had never been out of the country. 

Also, an introvert who had built in friendships and relationships and never had to work on making friends.

I've written a bit about my experiences in Okinawa and how much it challenged me. And how I've grown through those challenges.

We spent three years there and I can't say that I was sad to leave. I wasn't particularly excited about moving to Idaho but I saw it as an opportunity to let life slow down and to meet the goals that I wanted to meet. And it's mostly worked. I've managed to grow and blossom in this boring and slow environment.

I'm so close to being done with my bachelor's degree that I can almost taste it. Two classes, a year of in-class experiences, and some tests are what stands before me and my own classroom. It's exciting, terrifying, and almost tangible. 

And then, news. Military life. 

Oh, I kind of forgot about them. 

I took for granted that we would be here for a few years. Most people get stuck here. We've only been here for eight months. Nothing would get in my way of finally finishing school and becoming the woman I want to be. 

Brandon got orders. 

Overseas.

At first, he wasn't sure where. We were simultaneously excited and nervous that we would be heading back to Okinawa (it happens). 

I cried.

His orders would be right in the middle of my student teaching. I've spent the past year planning this around Idaho. There's no way I can do this overseas.

Don't get me wrong, we want to be overseas. At least I think we do. But the timing couldn't have been worse. I always told Brandon, just let me finish school and get some experience under my belt. That's all I ask.

Well, the military doesn't care what I ask.

We're going to England. 

England. Full of the rich history and museums that I crave, close to over European countries we've always wanted to travel, and with my favorite kind of weather: cool and rainy.

Once I cried and processed and talked to others, I bounced back. I can go back to my hometown in Missouri and spend a few months living with my family and reconnecting while I'm doing my student teaching and getting licensed. I can meet my husband a few months later when everything will already be settled. I'm terrible at moving. It stresses me out to see all our things strewn about and I get anxiety about how we have too much stuff. It will be nice to let Brandon handle at least one side of that.

I think I've finally accepted how things will be. I still need to talk to my student advisor and see how this will all work out. I'm hopeful that it will all be fine. 

I'm tentatively hopeful about living overseas again.

I'm scared that I won't blossom and thrive in an overseas environment again. I can't take three years like Okinawa again.

I think my resiliency is getting better. I think I'm adjusting to the changes and unexpectedness of military life. 

I know I need to work hard in the next year to create good habits that will sustain me in a foreign country and, hopefully, in my first year of teaching.

I know that I need to work harder to be in that place by the time 2019 comes around. It's going to take some work but I think I'm ready for this new challenge.

A Letter to My Twenty Year Old Self

Reading through my old blogs puts me back in the mind of twenty-year-old me. She was tentatively idealistic and searching to find her place in the world. She was newly married and couldn't stop using the word husband as she was so enamored with the idea of marriage. And still rather new in love. She saw the suffering of the world and wanted to teach others how to make a difference. I'm trying to decide if that trait is still embedded in me. My experiences over the past five years have deeply impacted and changed me. 

I am no longer that small-town girl who was coming into her own. So here is my letter to her.

Megan,

Right now you are experiencing what you think is the low before you figure everything out overseas. You are stressed. You hate your job. Your skin and your body are not being kind to you (because you are not being kind to them). Learn to listen to your body. It is telling you that you're stressed. Physical symptoms will always be your clue that you need to change things. And once you make that connection all the way back to your childhood, you'll be so much more self-aware. You miss Brandon deeply. I hear it in your writing. You've been so used to wrapping yourself up in this relationship that you feel a little lost without him. It's okay. This separation is good. You'll start doing the long and arduous work of becoming yourself. Embrace it. And, shockingly, someday you'll be totally fine with a break between the two of you. Time and confidence in your love will allow you to back off a bit. 

The next few years of your life will not be easy. I wish I could shield you from that pain. But in between the painful moments, you will experience beauty, love, and kindness that will change your heart forever. You will become more self-aware. You will become a fierce and passionate version of yourself. You will lay on the floor and cry and want it to come to end. You will experience depression and anxiety. You will experience loneliness like never before. Your marriage will be hard. You will want to leave. It will also be silly, loving, and real. You will feel cut off from people you considered friends and you will lash out in the most immature way. You will find out who your true friends are. Especially Terra. Nobody will grow with you and be on the same page as you are like Terra. 

You will turn your back completely on religion. You will learn about feminism and atheism and you will embrace those terms whole-heartedly. You will become that liberal hippy you never thought you'd be (it will take some time though).

You will make crappy friends. You will seek companionship based on who will take you and it won't end nicely. You will be a toxic person in someone's life. You will be a pretentious asshat at times. You will try to pretend you have everything together when you are falling apart inside. 

Don't be afraid to let people see the broken parts of you.

You will develop esteem issues. You will lose yourself. You will gain weight. You won't appreciate the beauty of Okinawa because you just weren't in the right place. 

You will become a Dog Mom. It will give you anxiety. You will think you aren't cut out for anything. Not even taking care of this dog that you got because of the crippling loneliness. That's the depression talking. It will pass. She's one of the best things that has ever happened to you. It sounds a tad banal, but she saved you. And you will love her deeply.

You WILL find your way. You will make a forever friend. You will make a lovely home, learn to cook, and understand yourself more every day. Your marriage will get better. And then worse. And then better because that's how marriage is. Becoming yourself truly is a culminating practice. You're never done. And when you make mistakes (because you will), understand that you learned from that and will try to be better next time.  

Also, know that these experiences you've gone through have made you who you are today. And today is a lot brighter than five years ago. And even a year ago. It does get better. That culminating process of becoming yourself just keeps happening. I'm proud of you and everything you went through to get me where I am today. 

Stay idealistic,

Megan