A Letter to My Twenty Year Old Self

Reading through my old blogs puts me back in the mind of twenty-year-old me. She was tentatively idealistic and searching to find her place in the world. She was newly married and couldn't stop using the word husband as she was so enamored with the idea of marriage. And still rather new in love. She saw the suffering of the world and wanted to teach others how to make a difference. I'm trying to decide if that trait is still embedded in me. My experiences over the past five years have deeply impacted and changed me. 

I am no longer that small-town girl who was coming into her own. So here is my letter to her.

Megan,

Right now you are experiencing what you think is the low before you figure everything out overseas. You are stressed. You hate your job. Your skin and your body are not being kind to you (because you are not being kind to them). Learn to listen to your body. It is telling you that you're stressed. Physical symptoms will always be your clue that you need to change things. And once you make that connection all the way back to your childhood, you'll be so much more self-aware. You miss Brandon deeply. I hear it in your writing. You've been so used to wrapping yourself up in this relationship that you feel a little lost without him. It's okay. This separation is good. You'll start doing the long and arduous work of becoming yourself. Embrace it. And, shockingly, someday you'll be totally fine with a break between the two of you. Time and confidence in your love will allow you to back off a bit. 

The next few years of your life will not be easy. I wish I could shield you from that pain. But in between the painful moments, you will experience beauty, love, and kindness that will change your heart forever. You will become more self-aware. You will become a fierce and passionate version of yourself. You will lay on the floor and cry and want it to come to end. You will experience depression and anxiety. You will experience loneliness like never before. Your marriage will be hard. You will want to leave. It will also be silly, loving, and real. You will feel cut off from people you considered friends and you will lash out in the most immature way. You will find out who your true friends are. Especially Terra. Nobody will grow with you and be on the same page as you are like Terra. 

You will turn your back completely on religion. You will learn about feminism and atheism and you will embrace those terms whole-heartedly. You will become that liberal hippy you never thought you'd be (it will take some time though).

You will make crappy friends. You will seek companionship based on who will take you and it won't end nicely. You will be a toxic person in someone's life. You will be a pretentious asshat at times. You will try to pretend you have everything together when you are falling apart inside. 

Don't be afraid to let people see the broken parts of you.

You will develop esteem issues. You will lose yourself. You will gain weight. You won't appreciate the beauty of Okinawa because you just weren't in the right place. 

You will become a Dog Mom. It will give you anxiety. You will think you aren't cut out for anything. Not even taking care of this dog that you got because of the crippling loneliness. That's the depression talking. It will pass. She's one of the best things that has ever happened to you. It sounds a tad banal, but she saved you. And you will love her deeply.

You WILL find your way. You will make a forever friend. You will make a lovely home, learn to cook, and understand yourself more every day. Your marriage will get better. And then worse. And then better because that's how marriage is. Becoming yourself truly is a culminating practice. You're never done. And when you make mistakes (because you will), understand that you learned from that and will try to be better next time.  

Also, know that these experiences you've gone through have made you who you are today. And today is a lot brighter than five years ago. And even a year ago. It does get better. That culminating process of becoming yourself just keeps happening. I'm proud of you and everything you went through to get me where I am today. 

Stay idealistic,

Megan