The classroom I'm in for this introduction to teaching is difficult. Sweet, amazing kids who have difficult home lives, academic struggles, and a blend of personalities that just seem to cause constant conflict. I have that class for this experience. The one that makes other teachers pity you. The one that makes my host teacher think about leaving the classroom for a reading position because she's at the end of her rope as well.
I wondered when I was told what a difficult class it was, why they would do that to a student teacher who is starting out. This class has the possibility of breaking a green teacher. They are a struggle most days.
However, I can say now that I'm thankful that I have the hard class for this experience. I can say with confidence that I can handle it. That I can love them even on their worst days. That I will drive home and cry because I want to do better by them. I know that my heart is tender and my strength is in building relationships with kids. My strength is caring about their hearts and their academics. Do I always balance that well when I'm trying to get through a lesson and the same child that has asked me to go to the nurse every single day interrupts me? No. No, I do not. But I keep waking up and trying again.
Their stories break my heart. I have cried for them. I have cried thinking about not getting to be their teacher anymore. I have cried knowing that I will have to say goodbye to these difficult and amazing little individuals.
I have worked my butt off writing lessons and preparing materials. I have never felt as prepared as I feel like I should and sometimes it feels like I'm just winging it the best that I can even when I've prepared. It's still new for me and I am learning.
I have made mistakes. I have raised my voice when I never wanted to. I have called kids out in the classroom when I never wanted to. I have done all the things on my list of "bad teacher" behavior. I have been humbled and broken. I have struggled with not being the teacher I wanted to be.
And I've created grace for myself. Working in someone else's classroom isn't easy. Always feeling like you don't know where things are or the systems in place or just feeling in the way isn't easy at all. Teaching the way someone else teaches isn't easy. I feel fairly confident that things will fall into place for me in my own classroom set up. It won't be perfect. I will still be humbled and broken. I will still need to allow grace for myself. But it will be easier.
I also know living at home with family expectations and missing my husband and my home comforts have not made this an easier experience. I am craving the simplicity of life with just Brandon and me again. It's a nice life that we have made up together and I miss it deeply.
This teaching thing is no joke. It isn't easy. However, I didn't go into teaching for easy, for money, or for boring days. I went into teaching because I love kids. I love learning. I love the creative messiness that is a classroom. That two days are never quite alike. I love the community. The smiles. The goofiness. The hugs.
My passion for teaching astonishes me sometimes. My love and passion for these kids astounds me. I can't stop talking about them (without names of course). I could talk everyone's ear off about these kids. Their struggles. Their triumphs. Their misbehaviors. The funny things they say. Their kindness.
As I come to the end of this experience, I am awed at what I have learned. I am humbled at how much I still have to learn. I am heartbroken at having to say goodbye to them. I am joyful in thinking about all the moments of laughter and love that have come into my life.
All because I became a teacher.
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