School Year 2021-2022

 Last school year almost broke me. I genuinely felt like I wasn't capable of handling the class that I was given. And in many ways, I wasn't. I was given an incredibly challenging classroom. More IEPs than one teacher should have in a room. Extremely challenging behaviors (elopement, hiding under tables, screaming/crying through lessons) and a lot of ADHD diagnoses. I had a new tough admin, many unrealistic expectations, trauma/violence enacted on teachers from very young students, and a chaotic school environment that sent my anxiety over the edge. I had some good times with that group of students, but it challenged me to the point of breaking my spirit. 

I am finally starting to feel restored from the rest that I've had this summer. I am so glad that I spent most of the summer away from home because I know I would have spent a lot of time ruminating and worrying about the next school year. Now that we are home and our back-to-school date is fast approaching, my anxiety about the upcoming year is coming back. Will next year be worse than last year? I'm not sure I could take it. Will it be better? Will my growth as a teacher show up this year? Will I be able to handle it? Will I want to teach again by the end of it?

My self-esteem as an educator has plummeted, which affects my self-esteem as a person. I know I am capable of being an amazing educator. I care about my students and their mental health. I care that they learn to read and write and solve problems. I care enough to make learning play-based and hands-on as much as I can. I am a good teacher.

There were many times I wanted to quit last year. I feel like I talked about it weekly from October to December. It was just too much. I'm not sure I can take another year like that and want to teach ever again. I'm afraid that this school/this group of students/this grade level is killing my love of teaching in a way that I will never recover from. There is a reason we are having a huge teacher shortage. This is unsustainable. 

I can only hope that this upcoming year is better. That I change in positive ways and that I can handle the load I've been given.