August

It's August.

Today, I looked at the date realized we were already several days into August. 

August. The month I decided I would give up on finding a teaching position for this school year and apply to grad school.

That was my deadline. School is supposed to start in a few weeks and I haven't had an interview since May. 

I know things are different because of the pandemic and so many school districts have no idea what they are doing or what school is going to look like this year.

I know many teachers on social media have discussed quitting and not coming back for this school year because they don't feel safe and heard in the back-to-school plans.

Some would love to be able to financially afford not to go back. Some would be envious of my position.

And yet, I'm envious of theirs. I'm envious of their bitmoji classrooms and virtual learning plans. I'm even envious of the ones who are going back in person with all of the fear and masks and ridiculous plans. I know I would be stressed if it were me but it seems better than spending another year not being able to do what I love.

Last year it was because the military left me to rot in Missouri all Summer and I thought, next year I'll be setting my classroom up, I'll be greeting my students, planning lessons, and sharing my love of learning with a wonderful group of kids.

But here is next year. And I am not doing any of those things. I am left wondering if I will ever be able to do this thing I love. It seems so simple. And yet I can't do it. 

I'm glad for the opportunity to go to grad school. I have realized that I would like to work with older kids and I'm going to transition to secondary school through my Master's. 

But that doesn't mean that I don't want the experience of my own classroom this year. I want it desperately. It fucks with my self-esteem that I can't get a job in my field.

I know that this is the reality for a lot of Americans right now. I know that the pandemic hasn't just affected education. I know that I am lucky to have the chance to go back to school and to be financially secure. 

But I've been putting off applying and starting. I keep hoping that they're waiting until the last minute to hire teachers. I keep thinking that if I put off grad school then by some miracle, I'll have a job. I can't keep putting it off for long. I have to use this time off productively. I have to improve and do something with my life. I'm excited about going back to school and learning.

I just wish it didn't come with this cost of not getting to teach. 

Student Teaching

I am now coming to the end of my Student Teaching experiences. I have my last two observations this week and next and then I completely hand back the classroom. I have had a tumultuous experience in the past two months. There have been days that have completely rocked me. Days that made me question my desire to be a teacher. Days that I have cried on the long drive home because I wasn't the teacher I wanted to be that day and they weren't the students in my ideal teacher fantasy.

The classroom I'm in for this introduction to teaching is difficult. Sweet, amazing kids who have difficult home lives, academic struggles, and a blend of personalities that just seem to cause constant conflict. I have that class for this experience. The one that makes other teachers pity you. The one that makes my host teacher think about leaving the classroom for a reading position because she's at the end of her rope as well.

I wondered when I was told what a difficult class it was, why they would do that to a student teacher who is starting out. This class has the possibility of breaking a green teacher. They are a struggle most days.

However, I can say now that I'm thankful that I have the hard class for this experience. I can say with confidence that I can handle it. That I can love them even on their worst days. That I will drive home and cry because I want to do better by them. I know that my heart is tender and my strength is in building relationships with kids. My strength is caring about their hearts and their academics. Do I always balance that well when I'm trying to get through a lesson and the same child that has asked me to go to the nurse every single day interrupts me? No. No, I do not. But I keep waking up and trying again.

Their stories break my heart. I have cried for them. I have cried thinking about not getting to be their teacher anymore. I have cried knowing that I will have to say goodbye to these difficult and amazing little individuals.

I have worked my butt off writing lessons and preparing materials. I have never felt as prepared as I feel like I should and sometimes it feels like I'm just winging it the best that I can even when I've prepared. It's still new for me and I am learning.

I have made mistakes. I have raised my voice when I never wanted to. I have called kids out in the classroom when I never wanted to. I have done all the things on my list of "bad teacher" behavior. I have been humbled and broken. I have struggled with not being the teacher I wanted to be.

And I've created grace for myself. Working in someone else's classroom isn't easy. Always feeling like you don't know where things are or the systems in place or just feeling in the way isn't easy at all. Teaching the way someone else teaches isn't easy. I feel fairly confident that things will fall into place for me in my own classroom set up. It won't be perfect. I will still be humbled and broken. I will still need to allow grace for myself. But it will be easier.

I also know living at home with family expectations and missing my husband and my home comforts have not made this an easier experience. I am craving the simplicity of life with just Brandon and me again. It's a nice life that we have made up together and I miss it deeply.

This teaching thing is no joke. It isn't easy. However, I didn't go into teaching for easy, for money, or for boring days. I went into teaching because I love kids. I love learning. I love the creative messiness that is a classroom. That two days are never quite alike. I love the community. The smiles. The goofiness. The hugs.

My passion for teaching astonishes me sometimes. My love and passion for these kids astounds me. I can't stop talking about them (without names of course). I could talk everyone's ear off about these kids. Their struggles. Their triumphs. Their misbehaviors. The funny things they say. Their kindness.

As I come to the end of this experience, I am awed at what I have learned. I am humbled at how much I still have to learn. I am heartbroken at having to say goodbye to them. I am joyful in thinking about all the moments of laughter and love that have come into my life.

All because I became a teacher.