Being a woman isn't easy in this world. Being a mother would be even harder. I've spent my entire life loving and nurturing the children in my life but I've mostly felt an unsettling pit in my stomach when it came to being a mother myself. I'd think about the sacrifice, my perfectionism, the lack of sleep, and the way I see mothers interact in the world and with each other and I felt deeply that that was not my path in life. I wanted to be more than this little person's caretaker who would never love me the way that I would love them.
I get a lot of pushback from people who can't fathom a woman who chooses herself, her spouse, and their life together first. They believe to be a woman is to be a mother. And that is part of the reason I resist it so much. I never want to be someone that does something because it is expected of me. I never want to make decisions about my life because it is just what you do. I feel that so many people take the path of parenthood because it is what is expected not because it's actually what they want from their life. So many people just blindly follow the paths that their parents trekked before them never taking a moment to intentionally think about their own desires and life. It's biology, I suppose, this lack of intentionality. But it isn't for me.
I've thought through everything they tell me.
"You'll never know love if you don't have a child," an insulting phrase to any other relationship where the word love has been uttered. What about your spouse? The person you loved so much that you decided to create a life with. What about your parents? Your friends? Those loves are just as real and wonderful. I understand your love for your child is different and a strong bond but it isn't the only way to deep love.
"Who will take care of you when you're old?" Why do you assume your children will take care of you? Why would you create life just to saddle it with caring for you when you're old? A financially and emotionally taxing experience. There is such a thing as end of life care that childless people and parents should think of instead of laying that responsibility on your children.
"You'll change your mind." Maybe but how condescending of you to make that assumption for me. To assume I don't know what's best for me.
"Maybe you'll have an accident." Said by well-intentioned people who don't know my pro-choice beliefs. Even so, why would you wish something on me that I do not want? So I can resent my child and be unhappy with my life?
"What if you regret it later?" What if you regret having them? I've seen anonymous posts from parents discussing how much they love their children but they regret being a parent. Parenthood is the one decision in your life that you just can't take back. You can get divorced, quit your job, change your friends, move, or change everything about yourself if you really want. But you can't undo being a parent. So to answer your question, what if I regret it? Then I'll foster or adopt, I'll build relationships with my students or friend's children, or I'll sit with the regret and deal with it the way you might in moments where parenthood seemed too hard to go on. We all have regrets in our lives. We have to deal with them and move on.
"You'd be a great mom!" Yes, yes, I would. I have never doubted that I would make a great mom. I would care deeply about my child. I would work hard to connect and help my little person be the best version of themselves. I would care about their emotional, physical, academic, and spiritual health and help them along their own path. I would love them deeply. But at what cost to me? At what cost to my own passions, ambitions, relationships, and general quality of life? What about my own crushing despair when I fail my child?
Because I will. I will fail in parenthood. Everyone does. And it will eat at me and I will spend my life feeling inadequate and broken. There is great joy in parenthood. I believe that. But there is also deep sorrow and loss as well. I'm not sure I can handle the roller coaster.
I've seen mothers talking to each other. I hear the comments that insinuate that their spouse does little to help with the children or the home. I've seen them trying to "beat" each other in their sacrifices they've made for their children. I've seen the competition, the judgment, and the circles under their eyes from lack of sleep and time to take care of themselves. I've seen them in group settings where nothing but childcare, sleep and eating habits, and discipline problems can be discussed. Even the good ones, the mothers that I would model myself after if I were to take the plunge, look harrowed and like a lesser version of themselves. It is no fault of their own. Raising little humans must be an exhausting and noble cause if you do it with all your intentionality. But this version of motherhood scares the living hell out of me. It scares me that I don't see many models of motherhood that allow women to be themselves and a mother.
Every woman who has strayed from the traditional path even the slightest knows these comments. They are said by family, strangers, acquaintances, and health-care providers. They are said without a thought about what I or any other woman might be going through or dealing with. They are said because they expect everyone to follow this path of parenthood and it scares people when we make choices that they don't understand.
Choosing not to have children isn't a personal attack on your choices. I don't hate children. I enjoy and love them in certain settings and probably won't turn down the opportunity to hold and love on your baby or toddler if given the choice. I'm not selfish although there are plenty of selfish reasons why I don't want to have children just as there are plenty of selfish reasons why you chose to have them. I've just made a different choice than you. Will that choice stick? Only time will tell. People change, evolve, and grow in different ways that expected. I am not immune to that. But for now, I think I am accepting this child free life and choice that Brandon and I have made. I just wish others would accept it too.
