Change

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Photo credit: Morgan Harper Nichols

Sometimes I think back on myself over the years and I cringe. I cringe at the ideology I used to believe in. I cringe at my toxic behavior because I was unhappy with myself. I cringe at the ways I wanted to show up in my life but didn't. The moments when my ideals were compromised by real life. 

 Why though?

All of those versions of myself got me where I am today. Maybe I'm a little behind where I "should" be in life but those shoulds can't be the path that everyone takes. All those versions of myself, the failures and the cringe-worthy behavior lead to me being me. And I am not the same person that I was ten, five, or even one year ago. 

I am darker in some ways. I have been disappointed and broken by life. And I am lighter in others. Letting go of the things and behaviors that did not serve me.

I know that for other people in my life, those changes are unappreciated. I no longer fit the mold that everyone thought that I should fit in. And although I wish those people could know me and whole-heartedly accept me for who I really am, I have learned not to let their opinions define me.

I still have a lot of work to do to become the best version of myself. I still need to put in the work and take the time to do the things that bring me joy even when they aren't easy. I can think of more than a dozen ways that I need to improve or work on myself. But the thing that has changed is that I can also think of more than a dozen things I truly and wonderfully love about myself. Imperfections and all. 

This is the year that I've done a lot of work to truly love myself. It's messy and hard and I fail frequently. But I'm learning to not dwell in self-hatred when I'm imperfect. I'm learning to love myself. That is the most beautiful change of all. 

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