Today, I looked at the date realized we were already several days into August.
August. The month I decided I would give up on finding a teaching position for this school year and apply to grad school.
That was my deadline. School is supposed to start in a few weeks and I haven't had an interview since May.
I know things are different because of the pandemic and so many school districts have no idea what they are doing or what school is going to look like this year.
I know many teachers on social media have discussed quitting and not coming back for this school year because they don't feel safe and heard in the back-to-school plans.
Some would love to be able to financially afford not to go back. Some would be envious of my position.
And yet, I'm envious of theirs. I'm envious of their bitmoji classrooms and virtual learning plans. I'm even envious of the ones who are going back in person with all of the fear and masks and ridiculous plans. I know I would be stressed if it were me but it seems better than spending another year not being able to do what I love.
Last year it was because the military left me to rot in Missouri all Summer and I thought, next year I'll be setting my classroom up, I'll be greeting my students, planning lessons, and sharing my love of learning with a wonderful group of kids.
But here is next year. And I am not doing any of those things. I am left wondering if I will ever be able to do this thing I love. It seems so simple. And yet I can't do it.
I'm glad for the opportunity to go to grad school. I have realized that I would like to work with older kids and I'm going to transition to secondary school through my Master's.
But that doesn't mean that I don't want the experience of my own classroom this year. I want it desperately. It fucks with my self-esteem that I can't get a job in my field.
I know that this is the reality for a lot of Americans right now. I know that the pandemic hasn't just affected education. I know that I am lucky to have the chance to go back to school and to be financially secure.
But I've been putting off applying and starting. I keep hoping that they're waiting until the last minute to hire teachers. I keep thinking that if I put off grad school then by some miracle, I'll have a job. I can't keep putting it off for long. I have to use this time off productively. I have to improve and do something with my life. I'm excited about going back to school and learning.
I just wish it didn't come with this cost of not getting to teach.
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