Grateful Sunday

Another week has come and gone and here I sit thinking about everything I have to be grateful for. Thinking about all the ways that luck has shined down on me.

I've spent this beautiful spring day basking in the sunshine while I drink a slow cup of coffee and read a delightful book. I took a bubble bath and relaxed in the beautiful smell and lavishness of a deep tub. I laid on my bed after that bubble bath and listened to music with the door open and the soft breeze blowing across my face. I took my yoga mat to the front porch and stretched my body in a way that feels good and sat quietly in contemplation when I was done. And now here I sit, on that same front porch with the dogs sleeping at my feet, struggling to write about the solitude, contentment, and joy that I feel today. Struggling to explain the duality of the peace and vitality I feel inside on this day. Sunshine changes things. Being outdoors changes things. It has a way of making us feel whole again. I am thankful for Sundays that are focused on self-care and self-love when I need them the most.

I am thankful for a passion that will hopefully bloom into a career. My mentors around me have been so affirming of this passion and love of teaching in me and I can't say how grateful I am for those affirmations. I need them when things are tough. Because teaching will always be tough at times and joy-filled at others. It will break your heart, make you laugh like you haven't before, and allow you to love other people's children as you lead them to knowledge and curiosity. I haven't always done an amazing job in these student teaching experiences. I have failed again and again. But I have always taken those moments of failure and learned from them. And that's what matters.

I am grateful for a husband who celebrates my successes and believes in me. I am thankful for his words of encouragement and love when I was struggling and hurting inside. I can't believe that I am lucky enough to have a love like this. I dreamed of a love like this when I was a kid. So convinced that it would never happen for me. But it did and it's better and worse and more wonderful than I ever could have imagined.

I am grateful for friends and family who listen to me talk nonstop about my students and teaching even when I know I should shut up because they aren't interested. Thank you for trying not to yawn while I yabber on.

I am grateful for Spring and all the feelings of reflection, joy, and love that it brings out in me and the ability to enjoy the sunshine. Thank you, Mother Nature for ending the long winter and letting us know that all bad things come to an end.

This is the best day I've had in quite some time. Spent alone doing the things that bring me joy. And I am so thankful for that time.

Favorite Ways to Relax

I like to think about relaxation in terms of self-care. What are the things I am doing that make me feel most at peace and intentional with who I am and who I want to be? That is the question I would like to ask myself as I think about my favorite ways to relax.

Sure, watching TV and scrolling through Instagram or Pinterest can be relaxing but not in the way that is going to allow me to love myself and feel whole again when I'm finished.

Unfortunately, I do more watching TV and phone scrolling than anything else on this list. This is my reminder of the things that make me feel good, whole, and like I love myself.

1. A hot bath. I must say I have a love/hate relationship with taking baths. On one hand, taking the time to soak in water, salts, and coconut milk (my best tip for soft skin right out of the bath) feels luxurious and so self-indulgent. As soon as I get out of that hot water, I am ready to go to bed or take a nap. It is the ultimate form of relaxation. However, when I am actually in the bath, I can get so bored. I've taken to watching Grey's Anatomy on the iPad in the bath just so I don't get so incredibly bored. I've tried podcasts, music, candles, etc. I always seem to get bored. Maybe I need to look at it as a form of meditation to quietly relax in the bathtub without distractions.

2. Speaking of meditation... This one is so hard! It is by far one of the best things I do for my mental health and yet, I am so bad about doing it consistently. I know that if I were to keep it up, I would feel better, make better decisions, and be more at peace in my everyday life (also much more patient and kind to my students). It is something I have even implemented in the classroom when we need moments of calm. I need more of it in my personal life though.

3. Yoga. Another thing that I wish I did more of but rarely stay consistent with it. There is something about doing yoga that makes me self-reflective when I'm done and makes my body feel stretched out in a good way.

4. Hot coffee or green tea. I've realized that although I'm not caffeine dependent (I don't get headaches or anything if I don't have it), it does make me so much more energetic and happy in the mornings. However, I've taken to just drinking it as I drive or as I begin my day at the school instead of really sitting down and savoring my cup. Taking the time to mindfully drink tea or coffee is such a simple pleasure for relaxation.

5. Reading. 2018 was my year for reading. Now, with student teaching and being so busy with assignments and spending so much time with other people, I haven't been reading hardly at all. I know that being a reader is a huge part of my identity and I will always come back to it. But I also need to remember to take time for it even when my schedule is busy or I'm not feeling motivated or happy about it.

6. Walks with Luna. My daily walk with Luna used to be something I would resent sometimes and treasure others. But now that we live far away from a walking place and it doesn't happen every day, I realize how much I loved those walks. How they made me step back and be present with where I was with my day and my life. How they allowed for gentle and kind movement. How good they were for Luna and me. I miss them dearly and really look forward to being able to step out the front door and walk her again when we are in England.

Here is my reminder to do more of the things that make me love myself and care for myself. I know I'll feel more like the person I truly want to be than I do currently.

Grateful Sunday

Research on gratitude and how wonderful it is for our minds and bodies is overwhelming. However, right now I am struggling to be grateful for a lot of things in my life. I am mostly a complainer lately about where my life is and where my own choices have led me. So, for this moment, today. I'm going to write what I'm thankful for.

I am thankful for my functioning body. Just this morning I thought about all the times my body hasn't been working properly and how much I take it for granted. Today, I am thankful for all the ways my body is working for me even when I spend so much time obsessing over my hatred for it. Thank you, body.

I am thankful for a relationship that withstands distance. I have been struggling with the physical distance between Brandon and me and our time apart. I have struggled with not having my life begin with him when I wanted to. In saying that, I am thankful for a relationship that can handle this distance. I am thankful that these distances always seem to allow us to appreciate and love one another even more.

I am thankful for financial security. Life is so much less stressful when your needs and many wants are taken care of. Brandon is a large part of the reason my life is financially secure and I am grateful for his hard work as well.

I am thankful for my education. It may not have been the education that I wanted or even one that I am super proud of but this degree will open the door to my passion and my dreams while allowing me to not be in horrible debt. I am so grateful for that.

I am thankful for my family. They have taken me in and taken care of me in these difficult months.

I am thankful for Luna. Her love and presence in my life are exactly what I need most days. Snuggling up with her and inviting her into my solace is powerful and lovely.

Obviously, I am grateful for so much more than these six things but for today, this will be enough.

Student Teaching

I am now coming to the end of my Student Teaching experiences. I have my last two observations this week and next and then I completely hand back the classroom. I have had a tumultuous experience in the past two months. There have been days that have completely rocked me. Days that made me question my desire to be a teacher. Days that I have cried on the long drive home because I wasn't the teacher I wanted to be that day and they weren't the students in my ideal teacher fantasy.

The classroom I'm in for this introduction to teaching is difficult. Sweet, amazing kids who have difficult home lives, academic struggles, and a blend of personalities that just seem to cause constant conflict. I have that class for this experience. The one that makes other teachers pity you. The one that makes my host teacher think about leaving the classroom for a reading position because she's at the end of her rope as well.

I wondered when I was told what a difficult class it was, why they would do that to a student teacher who is starting out. This class has the possibility of breaking a green teacher. They are a struggle most days.

However, I can say now that I'm thankful that I have the hard class for this experience. I can say with confidence that I can handle it. That I can love them even on their worst days. That I will drive home and cry because I want to do better by them. I know that my heart is tender and my strength is in building relationships with kids. My strength is caring about their hearts and their academics. Do I always balance that well when I'm trying to get through a lesson and the same child that has asked me to go to the nurse every single day interrupts me? No. No, I do not. But I keep waking up and trying again.

Their stories break my heart. I have cried for them. I have cried thinking about not getting to be their teacher anymore. I have cried knowing that I will have to say goodbye to these difficult and amazing little individuals.

I have worked my butt off writing lessons and preparing materials. I have never felt as prepared as I feel like I should and sometimes it feels like I'm just winging it the best that I can even when I've prepared. It's still new for me and I am learning.

I have made mistakes. I have raised my voice when I never wanted to. I have called kids out in the classroom when I never wanted to. I have done all the things on my list of "bad teacher" behavior. I have been humbled and broken. I have struggled with not being the teacher I wanted to be.

And I've created grace for myself. Working in someone else's classroom isn't easy. Always feeling like you don't know where things are or the systems in place or just feeling in the way isn't easy at all. Teaching the way someone else teaches isn't easy. I feel fairly confident that things will fall into place for me in my own classroom set up. It won't be perfect. I will still be humbled and broken. I will still need to allow grace for myself. But it will be easier.

I also know living at home with family expectations and missing my husband and my home comforts have not made this an easier experience. I am craving the simplicity of life with just Brandon and me again. It's a nice life that we have made up together and I miss it deeply.

This teaching thing is no joke. It isn't easy. However, I didn't go into teaching for easy, for money, or for boring days. I went into teaching because I love kids. I love learning. I love the creative messiness that is a classroom. That two days are never quite alike. I love the community. The smiles. The goofiness. The hugs.

My passion for teaching astonishes me sometimes. My love and passion for these kids astounds me. I can't stop talking about them (without names of course). I could talk everyone's ear off about these kids. Their struggles. Their triumphs. Their misbehaviors. The funny things they say. Their kindness.

As I come to the end of this experience, I am awed at what I have learned. I am humbled at how much I still have to learn. I am heartbroken at having to say goodbye to them. I am joyful in thinking about all the moments of laughter and love that have come into my life.

All because I became a teacher.

Portland, OR

Living on the West side of the states for the first time in my life leaves me with the desire to drive, explore, and experience the Pacific Northwest. If only we had a little bit more time here. There is so much to see and despite how much I'm struggling with the political climate of America, it is a beautiful, diverse country. Landscapes, people, cities. It is full of beauty and difference. 

I knew I had to see Portland, Oregan. Home of one of my favorite writers/speakers, Cheryl Strayed. Known for its weirdness, quirks, and hipster vibe, I was excited to drive the eight hours to explore a new city.

I expected Oregan to be absolutely gorgeous but it wasn't until right outside Portland. At least coming from Idaho. It was the same brown, boring landscape I've gotten used to here in Southern Idaho.

Our trip to Portland was a lovely escape from the monotony of everyday life. We explored downtown, got drunk and danced the night away at a 90s bar, ate doughnuts at midnight at Voodoo Doughnuts,  and we traversed the eccentric Saturday Market with a trendy Stumptown coffee in hand before walking the many blocks to Powell's City of Books. 

I was simultaneously overwhelmed and awed by the biggest independent used and new bookstore in the world. We had to go back a second time before I could decide on a mug and a book to buy as a souvenir of our time. We ate food cart Indian, Greek, and Mexican. Although I was expecting amazing food from this foodie city, I can't say we were impressed by much. We ended our second evening in Portland at Salt and Straw where I got a bone marrow and smoked cherry scoop and a sea salt scoop on a fresh waffle cone. It was delectable.  

Our last day in Portland was reserved for nature, hiking, and outdoors. We stopped at Multnomah Falls which is very easily accessible from the highway before moving on to a seven-mile hike to Ramona Falls (which is a part of the PCT!). 

Reconnecting with a long weekend away to a new city is one of my favorite things to do and I hope Brandon and I continue taking the time to enjoy new places and one another. 

Oh, and keep Portland weird. 

Salt Lake City, UT

2018 was the year of road trips to explore different places in the states. Although we had stopped in Salt Lake City on our way to this duty station, we only spent the night and didn't do much exploring. So when Brandon had to be there for work and I had to be fingerprinted nearby, we took the opportunity to spend the weekend enjoying a bit of Salt Lake's magic. We visited the International Garden where we got to experience the magic of Japanese gardens again, announced our move to England to the Instagram world, and posed Luna with a mini Stonehenge. We ate delicious Korean Barbeque, Japanese sushi and ramen, and the best food truck burrito we've ever had. We will definitely hit that one up every single time we're in SLC. We spent the day wandering through the maze that is Ikea and the Natural History Museum of Utah which was a lot more impressive than I thought it would be. 

Before I left that Sunday, we decided we would take a hike to a waterfall. I'm not the most outdoorsy person nor in the best shape at the moment and wasn't prepared for a treacherous uphill hike that made me dusty, dirty, and grumpy. Until we finally got to the top and my soul felt calm and joyous at the sight of the waterfall and the cool shallow pool at its feet that made me feel alive again. Until we had to go back down. I understand so fully now why Cheryl Strayed calls hiking retroactive fun (or something like that. She mentioned it in Dear Sugars once) because you can't really enjoy the experience until you're past the grunt of it. That has to be one of the most truthful things I've ever heard. So a new pact was made with my husband, no more crazy hikes unless there is a waterfall at the end. It's just not worth it. 

So I'll end this with a quote from that amazing woman, Cheryl Strayed, "The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of love."

That's the plan, Cheryl. 

Colorado & New Mexico

This Summer I drove eleven hours down to Southern Colorado to meet my family for a vacation. We visited and explored parts of Colorado and New Mexico. I didn't take as many pictures as I should have but we enjoyed historical landmarks, museums, shopping, and food while my little brother complained about not being home. I feel ya, kid. Home is the best. So here is a blog in pictures. As meager as they may be.