Worried

Life feels strange lately.

Some days I have this incredibly productive energy that allows me to work on professional and personal goals, focus on creative play, listen to podcasts and music I love, take time to enjoy the beautiful weather and nature, and spend my time nurturing and creating in really lovely ways. 

All this free time off without guilt feels like a treasure. It feels like a piece of time that I am finally able to use exactly as I want with no outside influence. Most days it feels good.

Yet in the back of my mind, there are worries. I am so worried about the future.

I am worried about insignificant and superfluous things such as my ever-growing dark roots and my ability to fit into my "real" clothes. 

And I am worried in very real and meaningful ways.

I am worried about the state of the world, obviously. We all are. What will the next year look like? But specifically, I'm worried about job searching in the middle of a pandemic which isn't being very fruitful. I'm worried about the unknowns of teaching and education at this present moment. Will teachers here not move due to the pandemic? Will they stay and there won't be any jobs? Will schools not replace teachers who are leaving because they will still be doing distance learning and therefore can make class sizes bigger? I was not able to teach in my own classroom this year because of the military. Will this pandemic screw me over this year? Will dramatic cuts in funding to education make finding a job incredibly difficult for me? I have a back-up plan in mind but it is hard enough following your passions and career as a military spouse without the unknowns of a global pandemic. I know that I am lucky and financially secure but I have given up a lot to be with my husband and live this life. I just want to follow my own humble dreams and not feel like a total failure. 

I am worried about the state of my country. It is difficult to be proud to be an American. I can't say that I have been for a while. I have been disillusionized out of blind patriotism and into an increasingly concerned observer (spending much of the last six years overseas hasn't helped that). I can't believe what Americans have accepted as normal. A president who lies out of his teeth constantly with no repercussions and people who blindly follow in the name of republicanism and patriotism (a president that I fear will serve another term). A system based on white supremacy that allows viral videos of Black Americans being lynched almost weekly to be the norm. A system that has created if not downright hostility then blatant apathy from many white Americans. A system that I can try to change with the little influence I have in my own life but isn't going to make a crazy impact. Leaders who are more worried about "rights" and making sure that big corporations live on than they are about human lives. And individuals who are more worried about getting a haircut than they are about other people's lives. In the past few weeks, the media has presented a society that is so self-serving and self-centered that there are people out there who genuinely think that their right to a haircut or to go to the damn beach is more important than other's rights to live and not get sick. I am constantly disappointed in my country. And I get to say that as an outside observer who doesn't actually have to live the atrocities that are occurring. 

I'm worried about my own family. Many who are high-risk and probably aren't taking the precautions that I wish they would take. I'm worried about their finances and their health. I'm worried about the next time I'll get to see them.

I'm worried about the ways that I've messed up with people or the ways that I haven't shown my best light. I am my hardest critic and I dwell on my own flaws and mistakes more than people might ever think.

I feel like these worries just scratch the surface of what is going on in my mind every day. But I also know that there is a lot of joy, productivity, connection, creativity, and amazing things in the works for me and I am trying to trust the process.