Mourning 2020

I'm not a believer in the "this is my year" mentality. I don't ever think that an entire year will yield good or bad things. At least, that's what I believed before 2020.

I was looking forward to 2020. I was looking forward to traveling to different places in Europe this Summer, family coming for visits, exploring our host country, book club meetings, starting my first year teaching in an actual classroom (or at all), date nights with my husband, planting flowers, and all the other wonderful things that were going to be a part of my year. 

I know that collectively we all are feeling the loss of 2020. We are all tired of hearing the words coronavirus, social distancing, stay at home, mask, hand sanitizer, etc. We're fatigued from staring at screens and doing everything from our own homes. 

I know it's a great privilege to simply be bored and not having to risk our health working or being worried about missing another paycheck or mortgage payment. I know that what I'm going through isn't that bad.

I also know that it's okay to be sad, to use defense mechanisms like numbing out and eating too many comfort foods. I'm trying to accept where I'm at each day. But it's hard. And I know everyone else is feeling it too.

I am mourning 2020 and all of the expectations and excitement that I thought were going to come with it. I'm going to miss sharing my travel pictures and what our trip was like on this blog (although I still have one from when Brandon's cousin visited that I haven't posted yet). 

The most we can hope for at this point in our lives is to be secure and okay. And I'm okay. Not thriving, not progressing, not spending lockdown becoming amazing at something, but just being. And that's okay for now.