Seasons

I just went back and read this post that I wrote in November. It was a writing piece titled 'Thankful' about all the ways that life felt good about six months ago. In my writing, I recognized that all the good and wonderful things I was feeling in regard to work, my marriage, friendships, and this country I'm living in could just be a season and that I was going to enjoy it while I could.

I spend so much time worrying about the future. I have a very difficult time focusing on the present moment and appreciating it for what it is. And yet, in November, I was able to take all that in stride and be present in how good life was. 

I can choose to look back at that moment and laugh at naive Megan. I could choose to mock her for not knowing what was coming. Not knowing that those friendships that she was feeling thankful for would all but dissipate in a few months. One of those friends would become increasingly toxic and would end with a bang. Sure, it ended up being a good lesson on boundaries and intuition but that didn't mean that losing a friend who was always up for fun and adventure didn't hurt. That book club that she was excited about would fizzle out by the time this virus came around and not exactly in a pleasant way. She didn't know that Coronavirus was coming to ruin her well-intentioned plans for travel and work and even put a strain on her marriage. She didn't know the long winter months that were ahead of her with very little respite. She had grand plans for her future in England. She felt connected and comforted by the life that she was building. And a lot of it would come tumbling down in a few months. 

So is life.

I don't want to laugh at naive Megan because I'm so thankful that she wrote that. I'm so thankful that I can look back on a time when things felt right, connected, and peaceful in my world. It is a reminder that those feelings will come again. That life is full of good and bad seasons and no matter how much I worry about the future, things will be okay. I will be okay. My ego may be bruised but I'll carry on anyway. My heart might be worse for the wear but I can choose to let it soften instead of hardening me. The wrong people might have fallen out of my life but that just makes room for the ones that matter. 

And even in the worst of times when the world feels chaotic and full of pain, when my own life feels difficult and out of my control, I can feel joy and gratitude. So here are some things that I am grateful for in this season.

I am grateful for sunshine. I'm not sure I've ever experienced a winter quite like an English winter. It was cold, dark, damp, and windy for so many months. It was quite miserable. But here I am on the other side of it and English summers are gorgeous. It isn't that hot. The sun is shining. The flowers are blooming. The world is green and gorgeous. I'm thankful that at least in this horrible season of life, England is giving us her best smile with this sunshine. 

I am grateful for security. For a husband who works hard and saves hard. Military life is hard on me personally but it has been a financially secure path. Even with me not working and finishing school, we've never been reliant on me earning a paycheck. I would love to be working and following my own passions. But we're not in trouble if I can't.

I'm thankful for the friends that have stuck around in my life. These friendships are kind, supportive, and loving. I know that I can turn to these friends and talk about my dreams, struggles, and all the little things in between and they will be there with kindness, loyalty, and support. And they are there to call me on my bullshit when I need it. These friendships (including the friendship of my husband) are teaching me my worth and that my expectations of what friendship should be are not outlandish or ridiculous. Will most people be able to show up in the way that I will? I have learned many times that they will not. So much of my problems with other people is being frustrated that they won't show up like I will. I think that this is teaching me to let go of the ones who can't or won't show up in that way (or keep them at arm's length at least) and continue to look for the ones that will. I'm not perfect with friendships and I have messed up many times but I know what I want from people. I want deep connections and loyalty and that scares a lot of people. I'm thankful for the people in my life that aren't scared.

I am thankful for creativity, curiosity, and a desire to never stop improving and learning. I go through phases of apathy and frustration but right now is not one of them. I'm thankful that the inspiration to continue to do better and care for myself always comes back.

I am thankful for my health. Right now this seems to be the most important thing to be thankful for. So many people have lost their lives or their loved ones to this virus. At this current moment, I have been unaffected by it in any true way. And I have to be thankful for that. 

This feels like a long-winded way of saying that good and bad seasons come and go in our life but we always have things that we can be thankful for. 

Worried

Life feels strange lately.

Some days I have this incredibly productive energy that allows me to work on professional and personal goals, focus on creative play, listen to podcasts and music I love, take time to enjoy the beautiful weather and nature, and spend my time nurturing and creating in really lovely ways. 

All this free time off without guilt feels like a treasure. It feels like a piece of time that I am finally able to use exactly as I want with no outside influence. Most days it feels good.

Yet in the back of my mind, there are worries. I am so worried about the future.

I am worried about insignificant and superfluous things such as my ever-growing dark roots and my ability to fit into my "real" clothes. 

And I am worried in very real and meaningful ways.

I am worried about the state of the world, obviously. We all are. What will the next year look like? But specifically, I'm worried about job searching in the middle of a pandemic which isn't being very fruitful. I'm worried about the unknowns of teaching and education at this present moment. Will teachers here not move due to the pandemic? Will they stay and there won't be any jobs? Will schools not replace teachers who are leaving because they will still be doing distance learning and therefore can make class sizes bigger? I was not able to teach in my own classroom this year because of the military. Will this pandemic screw me over this year? Will dramatic cuts in funding to education make finding a job incredibly difficult for me? I have a back-up plan in mind but it is hard enough following your passions and career as a military spouse without the unknowns of a global pandemic. I know that I am lucky and financially secure but I have given up a lot to be with my husband and live this life. I just want to follow my own humble dreams and not feel like a total failure. 

I am worried about the state of my country. It is difficult to be proud to be an American. I can't say that I have been for a while. I have been disillusionized out of blind patriotism and into an increasingly concerned observer (spending much of the last six years overseas hasn't helped that). I can't believe what Americans have accepted as normal. A president who lies out of his teeth constantly with no repercussions and people who blindly follow in the name of republicanism and patriotism (a president that I fear will serve another term). A system based on white supremacy that allows viral videos of Black Americans being lynched almost weekly to be the norm. A system that has created if not downright hostility then blatant apathy from many white Americans. A system that I can try to change with the little influence I have in my own life but isn't going to make a crazy impact. Leaders who are more worried about "rights" and making sure that big corporations live on than they are about human lives. And individuals who are more worried about getting a haircut than they are about other people's lives. In the past few weeks, the media has presented a society that is so self-serving and self-centered that there are people out there who genuinely think that their right to a haircut or to go to the damn beach is more important than other's rights to live and not get sick. I am constantly disappointed in my country. And I get to say that as an outside observer who doesn't actually have to live the atrocities that are occurring. 

I'm worried about my own family. Many who are high-risk and probably aren't taking the precautions that I wish they would take. I'm worried about their finances and their health. I'm worried about the next time I'll get to see them.

I'm worried about the ways that I've messed up with people or the ways that I haven't shown my best light. I am my hardest critic and I dwell on my own flaws and mistakes more than people might ever think.

I feel like these worries just scratch the surface of what is going on in my mind every day. But I also know that there is a lot of joy, productivity, connection, creativity, and amazing things in the works for me and I am trying to trust the process. 

Book Club: To the Lighthouse

Book club has been different since the pandemic crisis. Well, everything has been different since the pandemic. Even before the virus felt like a serious threat in the UK, we were having a hard time getting together. Our last two books were One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Animal Farm by George Orwell. I didn't write about either of these. Marquez's novel is a brute to try to explain the usage of non-linear writing and characterization throughout an entire family instead of individual characters. It was a novel that I was so glad to have read but would probably never read again. And with Animal Farm, well... what is there to be said for a novella written as an allegory for communism. I felt Orwell was a bit heavy-handed in showcasing how terrible communism is but I understand that that was the point of the story. It feels like there isn't much more to be said about the novel, to be honest. We had to have both of these meetings virtually and it was different but not a terrible situation. It was nice to talk about something of meaning and to connect with our group.

April was my choice of novel. We originally started this group with the intention that each month it would be a different member's turn to choose a book and that is what we would read. However, we have gotten into the habit of picking two or three books and giving choices to our fellow members. I suggested a novel by Amy Tan (I started it on my own after we chose and abandoned it a little over halfway through) and Virginia Woolf's To the Lighthouse. My group chose To the Lighthouse (they seem to have a proclivity towards classic novels) and we didn't talk for over a month. I was putting off reading it. I was in a crazy reading slump. Life felt hard and stressful and although I generally love to read, it wasn't bringing me the joy and distraction that it usually did. And it seems that the other members are also experiencing this as at the date of writing this, nobody else had even started it. 

Finally, at the beginning of May, I started this novel... and instantly regretted making this my choice. Although I have an appreciation for many classic novels, I find many to be overrated and tedious to read. Just because something is old does not make it more meaningful or literary than a modern novel. To the Lighthouse suffers from something I believe many classic novels do, it bounces between interesting and uninteresting so quickly that it is a paradox to the reader. If the author can write clearly and interestingly, why then do they choose to write in nonsensical over-descriptive meaningless circles? I know judging the quality of writing is so subjective to individual taste but I find pretentious writing that tries too hard to be "meaningful" tiresome. Maybe because I find that I have those inclinations in my own writing. 

I've found Woolf's life to be interesting ever since I wrote a research paper on her in school but I had never actually read one of her novels. Perhaps this was not the one to start with (although I believe it was suggested as a starting point for Woolf) and I don't believe I'll be reading any more of her novels. I found myself pushing to finish the novel because I chose it and I didn't want to not finish a book I chose. But it was a process to make myself read it. Do I appreciate elements of the novel? Yes. I do think that there are some interesting parts and uses of her writing that make it an interesting piece of writing. I do think it could have been a short story and made a better impact though. 

The use of stream of consciousness is lauded by many critics and readers and I understand why. It allows us to see the inner workings of many different characters' minds as well as to ponder the meaning of the human conscious. However, the way it whipped back and forth to each character with no indication that the narrator had changed was very frustrating as a reader. If each character had a more distinctive voice, I believe it would have been more interesting and less confusing. I'm sure Woolf's writing has influenced many modern writers to do just that and I appreciate how difficult it is to be one of the first to do something. Mrs. Ramsay is very much the most developed character as I instantly related to her thought processes. I felt like she had the most unique voice of all the characters and I found her parts the easiest to understand. 

Sometimes I like to write down instant thoughts about a novel when I finish it and one of my favorite quotes from my own writing is that "Mr. Ramsay is an insufferable twit who shows the fragility of the male ego well." Perhaps I've been spending too much time in England but I stand behind my statement. Mr. Ramsay's need for everyone to feel sorry for him and to pump up his ego about his attempt to become timeless through philosophy is so frustrating and annoying. And I believe that this was Woolf's attempt at criticizing the male ego and the women who fuel it. Mr. and Mr. Ramsay were testaments to the inner workings and thoughts of normal marriages of the time. From my research To the Lighthouse is semi-autobiographical and Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay were based on Woolf's own parents. I think you can see how she was trying to get to the root of who they were as people, parents, and how their relationship was flawed but still loving.  And when you realize the work is semi-autobiographical, you realize that Lily is obviously representative of Woolf herself. I see this especially in the use of Mr. Tansley saying that women can't write or paint and how Lily fixated on that message even when she disliked the person saying it. It is such proof that our insecurities plague us throughout our lives. I also saw in Lily her conflicted feelings about marriage and family. You see Lily be extremely jealous of the life Mrs. Ramsay lives while also criticizing and denouncing it for her own life. I feel the stream of consciousness was used to it's best effect during the dinner party scene. It was the one scene where I felt comfortable with the movements from one character's thoughts to another. I loved how Woolf showed how fickle the human conscious is, oscillating between love and disdain for other people based purely on the current predicament. I feel like she showed us that just because we think something doesn't mean that is is actually true or that we believe it in the end. Our thoughts can be cruel and false. How wonderful it is that no one can read our minds. 

While writing this, I do see the merit of the novel. I realized that I actually got more out of reading it than I originally thought. However, the actual process of reading it was monotonous and difficult to comprehend. I even found the Time Passes section so incredibly boring and uninteresting while others marvel at that section. To each their own but I don't think I'll be picking up a piece of Woolf's work for quite some time. 

Parallels

The thing about a global pandemic that has been the most interesting to me is seeing how it parallels our military lives.

I have spent my time on social media reading and listening to all the things that people are struggling with.

They are struggling with not seeing their families and friends on holidays. They can't comprehend not getting together over the Easter weekend or, for some, every week. 

They are struggling with all of their communication being done digitally. They are dealing with how hard it is to converse and show love through phone screens and messages.

They are struggling with being a solitary family unit. They can't lean on their families and communities in ways that they are used to.

They are struggling with depression, loneliness, screen fatigue, and relationship issues with the people in their homes.

And to be honest, I feel affirmed as hell. I don't want everyone to feel this way but I do feel like I am seeing my own struggles with the first few years of military life living overseas being played out by everyone on social media. Everyone is struggling with it. And it affirms my own struggles with military life. 

Now you know how it feels to be a military family. Now you know what it was like for me, I think to myself as I read a post after post complaining about the things that I've experienced for years.

I don't want to shame people for complaining and I would never comment directly, but I want to remind people that this is often the experience that we military spouses and members have when we live so far away from our families and communities. 

We miss holidays and family gatherings to the point where I put in the bare minimum for holidays now. We don't get to have weekly dinners with family or friends where we have our cups overfilled with the love that comes from those relationships.

We have to communicate with everyone over the phone or by staring at one another through a screen. It's not the same. You know that now. 

Being a solitary family unit can be depressing and lonely. I've dealt with these issues over and over again since Brandon joined.

Yes, we can build communities and friendships but it is hard to do it over and over again knowing that they will most likely be gone and out of our lives in a few years. It is also hard to find your people. For me, it can take years before I feel truly comfortable with someone. 

Military life is hard. Pandemic life is hard. I just hope that others can see the parallels and finally understand when I describe how hard military life can be. 

Mourning 2020

I'm not a believer in the "this is my year" mentality. I don't ever think that an entire year will yield good or bad things. At least, that's what I believed before 2020.

I was looking forward to 2020. I was looking forward to traveling to different places in Europe this Summer, family coming for visits, exploring our host country, book club meetings, starting my first year teaching in an actual classroom (or at all), date nights with my husband, planting flowers, and all the other wonderful things that were going to be a part of my year. 

I know that collectively we all are feeling the loss of 2020. We are all tired of hearing the words coronavirus, social distancing, stay at home, mask, hand sanitizer, etc. We're fatigued from staring at screens and doing everything from our own homes. 

I know it's a great privilege to simply be bored and not having to risk our health working or being worried about missing another paycheck or mortgage payment. I know that what I'm going through isn't that bad.

I also know that it's okay to be sad, to use defense mechanisms like numbing out and eating too many comfort foods. I'm trying to accept where I'm at each day. But it's hard. And I know everyone else is feeling it too.

I am mourning 2020 and all of the expectations and excitement that I thought were going to come with it. I'm going to miss sharing my travel pictures and what our trip was like on this blog (although I still have one from when Brandon's cousin visited that I haven't posted yet). 

The most we can hope for at this point in our lives is to be secure and okay. And I'm okay. Not thriving, not progressing, not spending lockdown becoming amazing at something, but just being. And that's okay for now.