A Summer Cruise Part Two: Cologne, Germany

 The Cologne Cathedral or as the Germans call it, Kölner Dom, was well worth the visit. It was absolutely one of the most intricate and beautiful cathedrals I have ever seen, and I've seen a fair few now. Our tour guide was an American doing her doctorate study on the history of Cologne. She was good, although went on for a long time when someone in the group asked her a question. The city was pretty and we were able to sneak away for some delicious German food and a Kölsch ale for me. I'm not a beer drinker, but I found it to be really light and refreshing. If you're ever in Cologne and order a Kölsch, they will bring you a coaster and they will tally the number of beers you've drank. They will keep bringing them until you place your coaster on your glass to signal that you are through. Apparently, a few legal cases have been brought up about this and it has been decided that this is a legally binding contract that you must pay for each tally mark. Unfortunately, our waitress, probably assuming I was a stupid American that had no idea, asked me each time she brought me one. 

Inside the cathedral, it is said that the golden casket in the photos below contains the bones of the three wise men. I mean, who's to say?

Your Twenties are for Wasting Time

There are nights that spark my love for my life. The ones that are spent in the moonlight with little reminders that life is full of magic and beauty. 

I was reminded that this is the last summer of my twenties. I will never be 29, deeply in love, well-traveled, living in a foreign country, and experiencing the sands of summer slipping away from me. I will never experience another summer in my twenties. 

I don't believe my life is going to end when I turn 30. In fact, I'm working hard to believe that my thirties will be an even better decade than my twenties, but there is something to watching yourself age that is unsettling. If my twenties were for wasting time and finding myself, what will my thirties be for? Who writes songs about being in your thirties? Where is the romanticization of growing older? What if I still don't know who I am or what I want in my life? 

I want to start romanticizing my life. My twenties were hard, but they were also absolutely breathtakingly fucking beautiful in ways I'm just now starting to appreciate. I can look back and wish I had taken more risks or done more stupid things, but I can take risks and make silly decisions in my thirties too.

My life doesn't end with 29.

But I want to appreciate this moment. This beautiful crisp summer night on the cusp of autumn. The beautiful Alsacian tea I bought in France in my favorite mug. Good music that makes me fall in love with life and moonlight that inspires me.

This is what life can and should be. Maybe every decade can be for wasting time on the things that make life meaningful. 

School Year 2021-2022

 Last school year almost broke me. I genuinely felt like I wasn't capable of handling the class that I was given. And in many ways, I wasn't. I was given an incredibly challenging classroom. More IEPs than one teacher should have in a room. Extremely challenging behaviors (elopement, hiding under tables, screaming/crying through lessons) and a lot of ADHD diagnoses. I had a new tough admin, many unrealistic expectations, trauma/violence enacted on teachers from very young students, and a chaotic school environment that sent my anxiety over the edge. I had some good times with that group of students, but it challenged me to the point of breaking my spirit. 

I am finally starting to feel restored from the rest that I've had this summer. I am so glad that I spent most of the summer away from home because I know I would have spent a lot of time ruminating and worrying about the next school year. Now that we are home and our back-to-school date is fast approaching, my anxiety about the upcoming year is coming back. Will next year be worse than last year? I'm not sure I could take it. Will it be better? Will my growth as a teacher show up this year? Will I be able to handle it? Will I want to teach again by the end of it?

My self-esteem as an educator has plummeted, which affects my self-esteem as a person. I know I am capable of being an amazing educator. I care about my students and their mental health. I care that they learn to read and write and solve problems. I care enough to make learning play-based and hands-on as much as I can. I am a good teacher.

There were many times I wanted to quit last year. I feel like I talked about it weekly from October to December. It was just too much. I'm not sure I can take another year like that and want to teach ever again. I'm afraid that this school/this group of students/this grade level is killing my love of teaching in a way that I will never recover from. There is a reason we are having a huge teacher shortage. This is unsustainable. 

I can only hope that this upcoming year is better. That I change in positive ways and that I can handle the load I've been given.

A Summer Cruise Part One: Amsterdam

 Knowing that I wanted to make the most of our time left in Europe, I booked a Rhine River Cruise. It would start in Amsterdam and snake its way down to the Netherlands. The cruise was... not our cup of tea. A bit too fancy and full of elderly people to really be what we were looking for. We also realized that we do not love group travel. It is so much slower and you get to explore so much less when you're with a group and confined by where the ship is and when the coach is leaving. It was an interesting experience. The boat itself was absolutely lovely and one of my favorite parts was our nightly hot chocolate on the sky deck as we sail down the river, seeing great landscapes of Europe. I had a lot of free wine and our room was comfortable. I think we both felt so out of place among these old couples, four-course dinners (honestly, most of them were not that amazing), and travel limitations that I don't think it is something we will be itching to do again. Many of our boat-mates never even went off the boat to eat the local food unless the cruise director arranged it. I couldn't believe how shallow the travel was. We got off the boat to eat and explore every chance we got and I think we made the most of the situation.

However, Amsterdam was probably one of the highlights of the trip. After settling into the boat and our room, we made our way into the heart of the city to explore. There happened to be a huge protest in the city the day we arrived about farmer's rights. The best part was that as our boat-mates were making their way to their first boat dinner, Brandon and I went out to experience Amsterdam's nightlife. First, we waited in line forever for a bowl of ramen. Yes, ramen. It was a very popular local place and it was quite good despite them running out of pork while we were in line. Chicken ramen just isn't the same. We made our way into the heart of the city towards the red light district. The prostitutes hanging out in shop windows was fascinating and there are many bars and strip/sex shows you can visit. We had a great night out and I know we were the last ones on the boat that night!

The next morning we joined our tour group for a cruise through the canals. It was quite gorgeous and we learned a lot about the history of the city, including why so many of the houses are leaning. They were built right by the water and the foundation would be moved by the water as they were building it. The tour ended at a strange place, A Diamond Factory. The presenter was quite dull and their jewelry very expensive. Eventually we snuck away from our tour guide and walked back through the city, stopping to get some delicious waffles, before making it to the boat before it left. We really enjoyed Amsterdam and I'd like to make my way back there again someday.