Edinburgh, Scotland

I really procrastinated on this post. I feel like I have done absolutely nothing for weeks. Reveling in the laziness and lack of productivity that is Winter Break.

But before the holidays happened, Brandon and I celebrated six years of marriage.

I'm not going to get too sappy about our 9 years together with six of them being married and in this crazy military life. All I will say is that I'm happy I married him on that icy cold Friday the 13th and I'm so proud of all of our accomplishments and adventures we've had since that day. It was also fortunate that this was the year that we got to celebrate our December 13th anniversary on a Friday again. We laugh in the face of superstitions.

So to celebrate our anniversary and because I am itching to explore the UK and Europe, we decided to drive up to Edinburgh... in December.

We came in relatively late once darkness hit. We drove into the city of Edinburgh which I don't recommend because the streets are tight and parking is insane. But we found a car park and started walking around the city trying to find the Christmas Market. Because of a need to urinate and being hungry, we stopped at a kebab restaurant where we had jalapeno doner quesadillas that were amazing. Then we made our way to the Edinburgh Christmas Market, getting to enjoy the sight of Edinburgh Castle lit up at night with lights and lasers and the beautiful architecture of this bustling city.

The Christmas Market was quite a bit bigger than the one in France but it didn't have the same charm and had the same booths repeated throughout. I can't wait to get to a German Christmas Market as they originate from there.

After we walked around the city in the dark for a while, we made out way to our cozy AirBNB flat, The Leith Snug. This flat was gorgeous and I would highly recommend it if you ever visit Edinburgh (although it is pretty far away from the city center and you will need to take the bus or drive and park to get to the heart of Edinburgh). This little 'snug' was the perfect place for us to spend our anniversary.

On our actual Friday the 13th anniversary, the weather was gorgeous. Sunny skies, relatively warm, only a bit of wind. We explored Edinburgh Castle (do all castles start to seem the same after a while?), walked the Royal Mile and perused a few shops, stopped at the gate of Holyrood Palace, the Queen's Summer home, and walked a ridiculously convoluted path (thanks, Google Maps) to the National Museum of Scotland which is huge and diverse and is definitely worth a walkthrough. After that, our feet were killing us so we made our way to a ramen restaurant on our way back to the car park. Best ramen I've had since leaving Japan. It was so good. 

On Saturday, the weather was not nearly as good to us as on Friday. It was crazy windy and spitting rain and cold. So we decided to enjoy a late start to our day and had breakfast at the cozy restaurant under our flat and it was delicious. I had poached eggs with roasted potatoes and red pepper sauce that was so good. And then we made our way to the Greyfriar Bobby section of Edinburgh to meet for The Potter Trail tour. These tours are donation-based as they wanted everyone to be able to enjoy tours in Edinburgh. Our tour guide, Sam, was so enthusiastic and knowledgeable and I learned so much about Rowling and her connection to the city of Edinburgh as well as myths about her. He was such a good tour guide and you got these little wooden wands to carry around (which felt cheesy but Sam was so animated and fun that I felt less self-conscious than usual). You get to see many of the sites that inspired characters, settings, and plots in the Harry Potter books and it was just so informative and fun. Definitely go if you visit and I hope you have better weather than we did.

After that tour, we stopped in a Mexican restaurant which I wasn't expecting much from but that was incredibly good and satisfying after such a long walk in the cold.

And we ended our evening with a Ghost Tour that was also donation-based on the Royal Mile. Our tour guide wasn't as good for this one but it was still interesting and fun and worth our time.

And the next day as left our cozy Leith Snug, we said goodbye to Scotland. We drove back home and had to stop along the way for some beautiful footage of the winter coastline as we listened to bagpipe music. 

It was a lovely visit and I know that I have to come back to Scotland in warmer weather to see the Highlands. 

Death in the Family

Today, I took the Christmas tree down. For so many weeks, this little Christmas tree has been such a joy and source of comfort for me through these long winter evenings.

Christmas used to mean the smell of woodsmoke, the thrill of presents under the tree, the joy of family spending time together, eating, talking, and being close.

Now, Christmas is a holiday that I tend to opt-out of, to do as little as possible now that we live so far away. 

This was the first year in a long time that I had even put up a tree. That I had even tried to capture the joy of Christmas without family, children, or presents.

And it brought me a lot of comfort to see my fancy lit-up tree each night. 

And then I took it down. 

The day that I had been informed that my great-grandfather had passed.

My Grandpa Ivey.

Being far away when death and heartbreak hit is a lot easier than one might imagine.

It means that I get to disconnect to a certain extent.

Not being around the emotions of everyone as they grieve allows me to do so more quietly and less emotionally.

Grandpa Ivey was a sick man. He was an old man. He was suffering and although we might be sad to lose him, death was probably the preferable outcome.

So I took the Christmas tree down, bit by bit thinking about this man and my family.

Thinking about all the times that I didn't visit him in the nursing home because it was hard for me. Thinking about all the times I did visit him or he was brought to my Mom's for holidays or parties and I felt like he didn't recognize me anymore.

Thinking of all the times that I wrote letters to him when we were far from home. Telling him about Okinawa and Idaho and how I was trying to finish school.

Remembering how I stopped sending those letters once he was put in the home. Thinking that he was no longer lucid enough to care about my life or anything that could be said between the pages of a card. 

Thinking about all the times I visited when we came home from our various duty stations and being able to see the deterioration of a man that I loved and always tried to include in my life, even as a young child.

We shared stories of military life, Asia, school, and teaching.

Until we didn't. 

Or he couldn't. 

Until he couldn't speak coherently but looked at me with blue eyes that were full of pride, love, and sadness. Eyes of a man that were in the midst of suffering and at the edge of death.

I do not grieve for his death because I know that, in the end, this concludes his suffering. No matter what kind of afterlife you believe in, we agree that suffering comes to an end as breath leaves the body.

But as I took the baubles and bulbs off the Christmas tree, delicately and mindfully, I was reminded of all the ways he has shown up in my life as I've grown up and even moved away. 

I thought about my Nana and Mom who are grieving now and how little I can do from this far away. That's the hard part. I can't do anything to ease their suffering or love them from afar. 

I thought of the huge family that exists because of this man, three daughters, sons-in-laws, and countless grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and even, great-great-grandchildren.

And I let the tears run down my face for a man that I loved and for the people who loved him who are hurting right now. 

Taking the tree down felt like a reminder of how life changes, evolves, and the passage of time. A reminder that all good things must come to an end.

Grief, although about the one who has passed, reminds us how we didn't show up in the ways we wanted or we find comfort in the ways we did. 

Grief and death are such a reminder to love the ones you love while you still can. To show up in the ways that you won't regret later. That it is in the common mundane moments of everyday life that you show people who you are and how you love them. 

To my Grandpa Ivey, I loved you and I hope you rest in peace.